As I thought about the need for all of us to stand up for ourselves, I struggled. I struggled between the new found definition of standing, now called “being assertive”, versus what I’ve been taught my entire life, being submissive and humble. Can you be assertive, submissive, and humble all at the same time?
So in my search, I started by looking up the definition of assertive, which the Merriam-Webster dictionary defines it as “disposed to or characterized by bold or confident assertion”. They also said it is a synonym of aggressive, in which aggressive “implies a disposition to dominate often in disregard of others’ rights or in determined and energetic pursuit of one’s ends”. Aggressive is definitely not the characteristic I was seeking to be identified with. In my journey, I was learning to connect with my feelings, speak up for my feelings, and respect my feelings and rights along with respecting the feelings and rights of others. I just wanted to learn to say “No” and not feel guilt when I put me first. How would I do this?
I’ve always been who other people felt I “should be”. I’ve always looked to please other people. When I came to realize this truth, it amazed me because I was the one who always said, “I don’t care what people think or say about me”. This may have been true to those who I didn’t know or care about, but when it came to those that I chose to be closest to me, it really mattered a great deal how they felt about me or what they thought about me. I overextended myself for them all the time, I had lost myself, no, I had abandoned myself. I had to realize my rights and feelings were just as important as theirs. I could no longer subject myself to manipulation, deceit, or abuse. When you deny yourself of your own rights and feelings, you are subjecting yourself to abuse. I had to recognize and face my fears. After all, it was out of fear of losing those I thought were closest to me that enabled me to be who they needed or wanted me to be. Maybe I thought that just being “me” wasn’t good enough. I didn’t really know who being “me” was. I had been a victim to sexual abuse and kept quiet about it out of fear that the man I thought loved me would find out I was raped and would leave me. As crazy as this sounds, I hid my rape out of fear that the man I thought loved me would not believe me and would leave me. I felt guilty about the rape, how would he take it if I told him that a “monster” came to my territory, uninvited, and violated me, uninvited, and I DID say “NO”? It was someone that I knew, as a lot of rapes are, someone that I had business dealings with. I tried to deny my feelings about the rape, disregarding my feelings all together, ignoring the deep pain I was experiencing, because he wouldn’t understand if I told him the truth, hurting myself emotionally, physically, spiritually, and financially in the end. Eventually, the truth was what set me free. So speaking the truth to myself and others was an important step in standing up. By speaking the truth, I took back my power and decided at that moment I was not giving it away anymore. I replaced those feelings of fear with love, peace, and understanding for myself. It takes confidence to stand up for you, it takes courage and self-love. It’s about being honest and having an appropriate expression of your feelings, opinions and needs. It takes a lot of self-analysis and then a lot of practice, you humbly view yourself in an honest and objective way acknowledging your imperfections, recognizing that no one is perfect.
Humility means submissiveness; submissiveness means obedience. Humility involves a state of mind, how we view ourselves and others. A humble person is not a proud or haughty person. This person is not arrogant or assertive. So how can you still be humble, but stand up for yourself? It takes balance. You don’t lose focus on the “more important things” in your life. You just begin to see your feelings as important; recognizing we all should have healthy boundaries set in our lives. We keep our morals and values, understanding that we have the right to take care of ourselves and to sometimes put our needs ahead of others. What comes to mind are the safety instructions you receive on a plane in case of an emergency. They always tell you to secure your oxygen mask first before you secure the mask of others around you. You have to save yourself in order to save others around you. And that’s where obedience comes into play. I think about the laws of nature. The ocean and the waves, there’s invisible boundaries that are obeyed, including the sun, the moon, the stars, and the earth. There’s a flow of things and when this flow is disregarded, that’s when things become chaotic. This is the same with each of our lives. We have these invisible boundaries that should be respected by ourselves and others. In the end it’s about communication, communicating these boundaries. It’s about speaking up, telling other’s when they have crossed or violated your boundaries. It’s about standing up, not allowing others to disrespect but accepting of your love and feelings and others love and feelings for you. Express yourself and prevent others from taking advantage of you. If you don’t stand up for yourself, who will?
