After spending years in an abusive relationship, I was finally given an out. The door was opened wide, and all I had to do was walk out of it. Yet, in all my unhappiness, I couldn’t leave. This was not my first opportunity out; I had my others throughout the years. As I see it, my higher power opened up doors, windows, and even roofs for me to get out with no success because I always found my way back in. It was like running back into a burning house after you’ve made it out to safety. What would cause anyone to risk their life to go back?
During my adult years, as early as my teen years, I was always looking for love. You hear the love songs on the radio, or watch the love stories on the television and you can’t help but wish that was you. The underdog always gets the guy or the girl and they live happily ever after. My relationships were never the fairytale ones more like the nightmares. They were filled with the abuse and the infidelity. Yet I thought that this was love. I thought that this was as good as it got for me. Why couldn’t I find my “prince charming” I was a good girl? Why was I always getting the guys that cheat, or couldn’t give me the attention that I needed, nor wanted? I just wanted to be loved.
In my last relationship, I made him the answer to my happiness. I guess I associated my happiness with spending time with him, or really him spending time with me. Everything was at his discretion. My future involved him. It was not my own. So when our relationship ended, it was devastating for me, because without him, I had no future. My first mistake, trust me, one of many.
I always associated love with the pain, but in reality, love doesn’t hurt. Where there is real love, there’s no pain. There’s a scripture in the bible that describes love so beautifully, it’s found at 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. If you’re ever confused about what real love is take time out to read and meditate on that scripture. I had to learn about love, and it started with loving me. Through my studies and my self-discovery stage, I found out that I was codependent and had a fear of abandonment, and for obvious reasons I had difficulty trusting people. These issues are what kept me holding on to the abuse, to the pain. Because of these issues, subconsciously I gravitated to people who would hurt me or who would be emotionally unavailable for me. I confused sex with love, and felt rejected if at all my mate didn’t want to have sex. I “needed” him in my life by any means necessary. I blindly attached myself to him; I was incapable of making a realistic analysis of the situation. He was the only one that could make me feel better, if only he could spend more time with me. If only he knew that I truly loved him and would do so much for him. No matter what I did, it was never enough. What I realized is that it didn’t matter to what extend I was there for him, he was never capable of giving me what I needed or wanted. Where I felt I wasn’t good enough for him, really he wasn’t good enough for me. I had to walk away because we would never be happy together. The moment that you let go of trying so hard to believe in him, you’re free to start believing in yourself.
Even through all of this, I had a hard time leaving. I learned that I had to counter my old, unhealthy behavior pattern with something healthy. And no it’s not true what they say, the easiest way to get over someone is not finding someone else to replace them. You don’t get over a man with another man unless it’s God. That will just start your unhealthy cycle all over again. I got into myself and my higher power. Without fixing me, I would only find myself in another unhappy, unhealthy relationship. So if you find yourself going from one unhappy relationship to another, it’s time to look at yourself. You have to be complete, then you find some else that’s also complete, and you learn to complement each other. You have to learn to be comfortable with you, by yourself. You have to learn that you deserve happiness, and no form of abuse is acceptable. It’s okay to set your standards high. It’s okay to be by yourself. You are in control of your own life and you don’t give any the power to dictate your future. You make plans for your future, they are your own. Break away from your self-defeating personality and you will find your true happiness as well as your true love.
