It’s been awhile since I last wrote, but tonight I was compelled to write again. Instead of compelled, let’s say inspired. I sat up late night and started to cry. I cried because I began to look at my life and the people that have been in it, and for an instant, I pained. I missed having the companion, so I thought, there’s no one here but me. So why today, is not me enough?
Happiness….some people try to find it superficially thru their material possessions. I, also superficially, tried to find it through people. I always felt like having a particular person in my life could make me happy. So when one relationship was over, I looked for my replacement, because of my own unhappiness. This is what brought me to my second relationship. He was a replacement for my first. He was the one that was suppose to bring me the happiness. He was the one I tried to love with my all, doing all things for him. What I realized is not him, not the first, nor the next would ever bring me happiness. Happiness is something that you attain within yourself.
Today, as I sit here, and I think about all the trials and struggles that I have been through in the name of love. I think about all the pain I’ve had to undergo, and mind you, pain that I am still feeling the “aftershocks”. I ask myself was he worth it? Rather, I am worth more? Let’s make it about me today, let’s focus on me. Something that is long past due. Too many times I tried to please him thinking that him being happy would allow me to be happy. He was happy; they were both happy; they did what made them the happiest; whether that was the infidelity, the partying, whatever it was. I was the one unhappy in both relationships, because I wasn’t happy with myself. At some point there’s an end that comes. You can’t keep running around playing with the serpent, one day you are going to get bit. No one can evade “right”. The consequences are what brings you to the reality of your actions, and when you “love someone”, you don’t want to see any type of consequences being laid upon them. You think about the parent disciplining their child and saying “this is hurting me more than it is hurting you”. When you love someone, regardless of their actions, regardless of them making their own bed, you don’t want to see them hurting. But did they ever think about your feelings, your pain they caused, or did they just not care? Was it being embedded in their own selfishness and selfish desires? Sometimes that discipline is what saves lives.
In life, we are surrounded by people. It is our duty to be cautious of others feelings, without sacrificing our own. You treat others as you would like to be treated. At what cost to you do you worry about others feelings though? You don’t lose yourself, you don’t lose your feelings, your thoughts, your personality, your make up, your morals, your principals, your guidelines, your virginity for others. If you lose any of these, make it for yourself, lose them because you wanted to. You don’t put anyone’s feelings ahead of your own. You recognize that in a relationship, any type of relationship, there is a compromise sometimes. This is something that is equal, don’t compromise who you are, never. Someone that truly loves you, wont ask you to compromise you. They love you for you. You have to know your make up. How can you possibly defend something that you are unacquainted with? Get to know yourself, love yourself, your happiness is within you.
When you find a like minded person, you are both striving for the same goal, you have the same morals, same values, same or a similar route. How can you possibly reach the same destination if your going opposite directions? Do you both have the same destination in mind? You can not force someone to change their route in midstream, the only person that you can change is you. Don’t change you, for no one but yourself. We all live and learn, and hopefully grow.
